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So you want to play a pen and paper rpg with your friends. The date is fixed, the rpg game is chosen and you are all looking forward to it. While the rpg session is coming nearer, however, you begin doubting whether or not this pen and paper gaming is the right thing for you. Maybe your girlfriend thinks it makes you look like a nerd. On the other hand, you have promised to join the party.
Now, here are ten secure ways to screw a pen and paper rpg session. If you follow my advice, your friends will be very eager to throw you out of the party after only one session and your reputation will be saved.
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Start with Annoying Them
10) Come to your rpg session being unprepared. With unprepared, I mean that you should forget your dice, your character sheet and any other things you were supposed to bring along. That way, you will need to make a new character which takes time, you will have to borrow dice from some other player and you will have to play without music, chips, coke or whatever else you have been responsible for.
9) Learn all the rules by heart and start a discussion about rules whenever you think the game master is violating the rules.
8) Try to bend the rules to your advantage and argue that the rules should be followed if you want to play this game when the game master insists on deciding at his will.
7) Start discussions about the rules even when the game master follows them. Make up arguments if necessary.
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Now Screw Your Pen and Paper RPG Session Completely
6) Try to play alone. Ignore your party members and walk off on your own as often as possible during your pen and paper gaming so that the game master is forced to focus on your character alone while the other players can only listen.
5) Explain to your game master why his adventure or reaction to a particular situation is completely illogical and must be revised. Do this every time your game master says anything.
4) Bring your party into danger with your in-game behavior. Shout when they try to sneak out of the enemy’s camp, giggle when they try to cheat on someone and call the city guards names.
3) Show complete ignorance of the rpg’s rules. This will drive the others even crazier than starting discussions about the rules at each decision.
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Get Thrown Out
2) When some in-game character insults your character, be offended. When the others try to point out to you that a pen and paper rpg has nothing to do with you as a real person and that the insult was not meant for you but for your character, glare at them and tell them, “You just say that now because you need me as a party member.”
1) Start a tavern brawl with another party member and attack the player with whose character yours is fighting. Tell him you want to fight it out in real. Slap him in the face and call him a coward if he does not react.
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If your friends do not throw you out after this pen and paper gaming behavior, you probably have the most tolerant friends in the world. Or they really need you because without you, they would be too few to play.