The Bells Toll For You
Look, we’re all a little scared that the next Animal Crossing will be a carbon-copy of its DS and GameCube precursors – mostly because we know we’ll pick this game up and play it for 96 consecutive hours before we collapse into the afterlife, a la certain dedicated Starcraft aficionados. It doesn’t have to be like this! Here’s a tidy little list of neat improvements to the formula that can only make it more addictive. My special guest today is my girlfriend, Julie, who has probably seen and accessed more of Animal Crossing than the very developers themselves.
Our Demands fo
1) Bestiality. Well, Julie at least wants you to be able to date the animals, because, disgustingly, it seems that her character was able to develop romantic tension with several of the characters from Animal Crossing Wild World (DS). The idea is that you can go on dates with your tick-speckled creature of choice, wasting your money on frivolous activities and gifts all for the ultimate goal of scoring (new furniture, that is).
2) Now that you can go on dates with our closest mammalian cousin, Julie would also like the inclusion of a restaurant, where you can wine and dine them. The neat part about this idea is that you would have no control over what they order, and they could potentially get the most expensive item on the menu, which you would then have to pay for or suffer eternal embarrassment.
“I will take your most expensive item, stuffed with your second most expensive item.”
“Very well sir, lobster stuffed with tacos.”
3) The letters you write filter randomly throughout Wii-dom, popping up in other people’s towns without warning. Look, I already write sexy and/or disgusting letters to my animals (which they happen to love), so I might as well share them anonymously to an underage crowd.
4) Bring back the playable Nintendo games!
5) An enhanced (well, let’s just try for functioning) multiplayer experience. I want to see multiplayer games, dammit! There wasn’t really a pull for me to invite my friends over just so they could shake my trees bare and s l o w l y type out two-word messages. While that may be a birthday party for the developers at Nintendo, I was bored out of my gourd. Let’s see competitive fishing, fruit fights, a larger assortment of traps, and full-on roman gladiatorial combat.
6) A tradeskill system. Since you’re already combing the beaches for shells, why not please every pink-shirt-and-popped-collar-sporting animal by crafting a shell necklace! Tom Nook could buy these creations off you for a pittance, which would keep you from starving for just a few hours more.
7) Julie wants more Nintendo cameo costumes; for example, Diddy Kong’s cap, Link’s shield, Wink Baufield’s ship, and the Phalanx (her favorite accessory of all time).
8) In addition to the bones of dinosaurs, it would be great to uncover the twisted remains of foul play from time to time; then you could move from house to house, looking for clues about the identity of the killer. It’ll probably always be Pee-Wee, the ape, and since you can’t really blame a gorilla for murderous rampages, he’ll always escape jail time.
9) Motion control insanity! I want you to have to dig (with perfect form) every hole, the undertaking of which will cost you about 15 to 20 minutes of real time and sweat. Want to upgrade your house? Be prepared to hammer in every nail! Want to walk to the next house over? Strap the Wiimote to your leg and hoof it over there!
10) Julie would like more holidays. The animals need to celebrate VE Day, all bank holidays, Bowling Day, and National Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Your Kiss is on My List
All you Nintendo developer scouts out there: know that the grounds are fertile indeed for new Animal Crossing content, and that we, the undersigned, will not accept another cookie-cutter edition of this game. We will simply buy Animal Crossing City Folk when it comes out and play it furiously, but will under no circumstances accept it.
Of course, there are those of us here at Bright Hub that can offer more great information on Animal Crossing and give you some great tips and guides. Here are some other great Animal Crossing articles for you to check out:
Overview of the Animal Crossing Yearly Events